MAKALI

 

"You said I was of the devil
scarlet red, with my forked tongue
and snake charmer’s eyes
and my voice like a siren’s
luring you deep..."

(excerpt from "Red Music"
c.marleneazoulai2012
self-portrait

SELF-PORTRAIT

 

 

Telling It True

You think you know me
better than anyone else
Like it was a contest
this pinning me live
to the wall like a butterfly
a single specimen
Yet you know only the one
I choose to be with you
The only one of me that is able
to be with you
I tell you there are others
inside this one of me
Others you never see
Some of whom
do not even like you
Some to whom you are
the enemy
Some who scorn you
after we have spoken
contradicting the words
that came from my mouth
From the mouth of the one
you say you know
Sometimes after our conversations
loneliness descends upon me
weighing heavy looming large
of not being recognized
Of not being known by anyone
because I am so many
Perhaps all humans
suffer in this way
from a relentless inescapable solitude
that we all must learn to bear
I can only speak for my selves
for those who live inside me
Those whom you
do not even begin
to know.

c.marleneazoulai2012

 

SPECTRE OF MY SELF

Self-Portrait

Another Ghost

Robert carries a bag of shadows
around twice the size of his heart
and when he gets to drinking
he lets them all out of the bag
into a great big sorrow pit
filled with all the tears he never cried
and he swims around with them
all those shadows
and he always nearly drowns
But he hasn’t drowned yet
i guess that’s why
he keeps going back
to see if maybe this time
they can pull him down
all the way down to the bottom
where it’ll be quiet and dark
and he can finally just be
another ghost
instead of the one being haunted
Something lives inside of Robert
made of all the tragedy he’s ever seen
and it comes out when he drinks
to keep him company
and promises him a sweet trip to nowhere
better than where he’s at
better than carrying that bag of shadows
around twice the size of his heart


c.marleneazoulai2012

STIFLED

(photograph-detail of assemblage sculpture)

shrink

she has a smile on her face
that says you’re sick
and I’m not
you’re mentally un-well
and I’m here to fix you
you’re outside the norm
inappropriate not balanced
i will make you steady
you’re not well calibrated
with peaks and lows
i will make you flat
you are unruly wild
i will make you placid
and predictable
look at me, she says
i pass unobserved
i do not stand out
or make inappropriate noises
i will trim your edges
so that you will fit
neatly into the box
i will flatline you
into the sweet oblivion
of a pollyanna
who sees no darkness
only light
I will heal you
de-construct
and re-construct you
according to
the
gospel
of
normal

c.MarleneAzoulai2012

I DREAMT I WAS A CHILD

(photograph)

WHY NOT ALL OF ME

self-portrait may 6, 2012

seeing green

the green will be everywhere you know
and it’ll speak to you the same everywhere
I can hear new orleans in the leaves
no matter where they are
or maybe they're the green leaves of new orleans
calling out to me here on my mountain
suddenly I breathed the green
inhaled it and drank it down
.green blood flowing in my veins
that is seeing green
the leaves tell the whole story
if you can hear them and have
green shooting out your eyes like stars
the forest is a veritable bible, a sacred
more sacred book
it’s a green corridor filled with whisperings
of all the green voices
she would tell you green if she spoke
every face that ever took place
on this earth is in those trees
every fairytale ever written
about what lives here
really lives here
so I shall stay green here for a while longer
there’s a green man riding a boat in the tree
he’s every green deity there ever was
every superhero who ever saw green
and he’s telling me stories
as he rocks on the water
you’re going to be here a long time
long being what it is in relation to what
the world will end, start again

and die all in this instant
of green truth


c.Marlene Azoulai 2012

MADNESS

(mixed media on paper)

I WAS WIRED FOR THIS

(assemblage sculpture)

SOME OF US ARE BORN OLD

i'm in the body
what?
goin' on sixty
back to five
goin' on sixteen
all i know is
i was born
ancient
weathered
and worn
an' i been
slippin' in an' out
of time ever since

c.MVA2012

OTHER

(16X20 acrylic painting on canvas)

I was communicating with my inner guides while working on this drawing. I was wanting to be more in control of my life. To live less in fear. Next thing i knew, i was inside the picture. I was working on it from the inside, as i listened to the chanting of Tibetan monks. They were chanting in overtones, singing all the tones that reside within one.
My working on the picture and the chanting of the monks flowed into one thing. There was the disciplined detail, in lines and colors, of the picture i was drawing, and the monks chanting all of the colors within one note.
The Trickster began to emerge in the drawing. Showing me that there were many ways to flow with what is going on, inside and out. And that fear makes one static and stuck, and keeps one from this flow. But it is not a matter so much of resisting and trying to block the fear, as it is a question of surrendering to it, as part of the flow.
The Trickster said to me, “Don’t try to pin it all down---what is and what isn’t the flow. It’s all part of the flow, even the fear. If you sit in it, it will move on. Every instant has a flow to it. It all comes in different colors and rhythms.”
“This, my child, “ said the Trickster, “is something you must learn to honor within your self and others.”

WHEN BLUE SINGS

meditation on a Tibetan singing bowl

when the bowl sings
you must listen
wait until one tone finishes
before bringing forth another
you are not the master
of the singing bowl
it is your teacher
listen


cmva2012

some thing

she wanted to do something
to be doing something
accomplishing producing
something
be able to put it out there
to the world
saying this is who I am
this is me as I see it
the whole of me
the thing you see
the entity I have become
one for me
and one for you
all of me
divided up
never being one
but still needing
to be recognized
as something
you could love

c.mva2012

TERTIUM QUID

i am queen and king
of the in-between
where nothing is as it seems
where dreams determine
who i am was and will be
where there is no
right or wrong
because everything
is the answer
in a world that choices
do not amputate

cmva2012

OUT ON THE TOWN

(assemblage sculptures)

LOVE WILL NEVER BE PERFECT

love will never be perfect
it is a toothed thing
a central eye that would see for two
who remain ever fragmented from each other
never hitting the bullseye middle
because it’s all ever shifting
where you would think they would meet
those two
an eye coming through
a field of flowers
or maybe bones
or rows of teeth
no matter how you look at it
it’s still sliced up
a part of you
of me
for you
for me and so on
love is a bony and triangular thing
it brings light
it takes it back
it bites and sucks life
from anyone it touches
it thrives on disbelief
that such a thing
could bring such joy

c.mva2012

RED MEDUSA

(detail of assemblage sculpture)

CONNUBIAL BLISS

Once upon a time, stretching
itself into some oblivious future
A word made from wishing
disguised as a promise
A beautiful, hope-filled lie
to feed a starving heart

(excerpt from "FOREVER", by Marlene Azoulai)

AT THE BRIDGE OF WORLDS

she was gone before you knew it
she was in and out of mind
like snow when it is falling
making all the voices blind
you saw her when she wanted
you to think that she was there
the voices in the background
you never heard her say
she was gone before you knew it
before you knew she’d disappear
she was real you know as you are
she was never really here

c.ma2012

AND THEN I WENT BACK OUT INTO THE WORLD

36X36 acrylic painting on canvas