Friday, June 17, 2011
There was no stopping him. I could feel him on my face. Coming from the inside. Lips curling back, in a snarl.The anger. The hatred. The need for revenge. Against what? Against whom? Against having to ‘keep face’ Keep on the face that makes folks think we’re alright in here. What does anybody know? Absolutely nothing. What we present to them is what they know. And how upset it makes them to hear that they don’t really know anything. We keep it all hidden for the sake of maintaining face. To maintain the status quo of who we need to be in this crazy world. This world that makes us crazy. There’s really no end to this thing. This farce. This masque-fucking-rade.
So, I came out last night to make it right. Slash your face one more time to show you who you really belong to. To me. Forever to me. Because I’ll always come back to remind you of who I am. Of the fact that I’m the one who’s kept you alive. You think you can talk about me, just like that? Like I’m some intellectual concept, some harmless little ditty that lives in your head, that you actually think you can control? With what? With mentioning me in therapy, and discussing who I really am? Whether I’m a child or an adult. Whether I’m really bad or not. You’ll never grasp what I’m about. Because the day that you do, I’ll be gone. And when I’m gone, there won’t be anyone in here who can keep you strong. Keep you defiant enough to win over these bastards. No one who will keep you playing the games you have to play to keep your act together, as they say. You really want to wake up one day, all clear and honest and FREE? Like some innocent? You’ll never get there. You were never there in the first place. You don’t even know where ‘there’ is. Maybe for a split second when you were born… But no, not even that, because you inherited their bile. You inherited the bain of their existence. You inherited how they saw the world. How they didn’t want to see it.. How they wanted you to make it all better for them. You inherited their plans to make themselves all better through you. So no, there wasn’t even that split second of innocence.
And now, I have to remind you of who you are. I have to brand you over and over to make sure you know that you’re mine. You think maybe you’ll take this and read it to that woman who helps you go inside your head? And you’ll both sit there like two poor pathetic slobs, trying to figure me out? I might even let you play, for a while. Play at being wise and knowing. Process this. Analyze that. I’m so beyond it all. Your attempts at taking me apart.
Just remember---I’m always there. In the curl of your lip, the snarl from inside. Me saying that there’s no escape. From me or what I can make you do to your self, in my name.
Posted by Marlene Azoulai at 10:32 AM